David Hasselhoff, “The Night Before Christmas” (Edel
Records, 2004)
As seen in many forms of popular culture, unmasking the
fraud behind Santa Claus’ beard is the best method to spoil Christmas. Yet,
David Hasselhoff has discovered a more effective way to stomp on our holiday
spirit with his album, “The Night Before Christmas.” While Hasselhoff’s voice
isn’t terrible, there is something unintentionally hilarious about the knight
rider singing you a Christmas carol. Combined with the sloppy and awkward musical composition, this
14-track record taints Christmas memories like bird crap on the windshield of a
new Ferrari.
Presenting itself as a concept album, the opening track introduces
the listener to Hasselhoff reciting “Twas the Night Before Christmas” in order
to sing his two daughters to sleep. Accompanied by howling wind and voice
echoes, this spoken word piece establishes an eerie mood that is more
appropriate for Halloween than Christmas. By the end, the structure proved too
ambitious as the story is slowly forgotten and eventually ignored. This haphazard
production is a consistent theme apparent in the following tracks.
Throughout the album, Hasselhoff pulls out all the bells and
whistles - literally - as those instruments are on ten of the 14 songs. In fact,
they are the only instruments featured on “Deck the Halls” and “Joy to the
World.” Obviously, Hasselhoff is not familiar with the word, overkill. Yes, chimes
are synonymous with Christmas carols but their pervasiveness inadvertently
evokes a feeling of Hasslehoff trying to hypnotize his listener. However,
“The Night Before Christmas” isn’t a one-man show. On some of the songs,
Hasselhoff is accompanied by a chorus that seems to sporadically interject
whenever they feel like it. When listening, one can’t help but feel that the
album was thrown together. This only supports the idea that Christmas albums
are corporate ploys designed to sucker a few bucks out of some fool.
Nevertheless, that superficiality doesn’t stop the Hoff. On “Silent Night,” he
interrupts the middle of the hymn with a reminder to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.
As well intentioned the message might be, its seriousness is diminished by
such lackadaisical production.
Judging from the album, Hasselhoff seemed hell-bent on destroying any Christmas song in his path. For example, “Jingle Bells” is arranged as a 1950s rockabilly composition sung by a Buddy Holly wannabe. The track rests uncomfortably beside the solemn “O’ Holy Night” and creates a jarring transition. Looking on the bright side, Hasselhoff demonstrates potential for a career in international relations. For example, he transports us to Germany with “Stille Nact” and, on the eleventh track, takes the listener south of the border with “Feliz Navidad.” Why this song came complete with auto-tune remains a mystery. But, one thing is for sure: if an eggnog-fueled uncle hasn’t dampened the mood at your family’s Christmas party, popping this CD into the stereo will definitely do the trick.
Judging from the album, Hasselhoff seemed hell-bent on destroying any Christmas song in his path. For example, “Jingle Bells” is arranged as a 1950s rockabilly composition sung by a Buddy Holly wannabe. The track rests uncomfortably beside the solemn “O’ Holy Night” and creates a jarring transition. Looking on the bright side, Hasselhoff demonstrates potential for a career in international relations. For example, he transports us to Germany with “Stille Nact” and, on the eleventh track, takes the listener south of the border with “Feliz Navidad.” Why this song came complete with auto-tune remains a mystery. But, one thing is for sure: if an eggnog-fueled uncle hasn’t dampened the mood at your family’s Christmas party, popping this CD into the stereo will definitely do the trick.
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